2010: The Year I Make Contact

    To ring in 2010, I will be concocting a list of notable and not-so-notable things that I have seen on Facebook in 2009. Here you will find the best and worst of trends, friends, and …something else that rhymes with trends or friends![there’s my attempt at building a sentence that a low level copy writer would cream himself over]. So grab a cup of coffee or beer or cough syrup, whatever you low moral kids like to drink, and enjoy.  Oh, and welcome to my blog.

    Movie that I loved from 2009 that I’m bound to hate by the end of 2010, thanks to Facebook:

    The Hangover

    I adore this flick at the moment. But every time I read someone quoting it, a piece of my soul dies. Quoting films is meant to be an intimate, special experience somewhere between “Sitting on a dock with your feet dangling in the water” and “Sex with candles in the background”. Like these things, quoting films works best when there’s like 3-8 people involved. Once everyone in fucking existence starts doing it, it loses its charm. Think about this for a moment. Have you ever seen a dock of like 47 people, all of them dangling their feet into the water? No, you haven’t. Because the movie JAWS taught us that young people kicking their feet in the water en masse is a terrible idea. Have you ever seen a 58 person orgy with scented candles burning? Oh, I’m sorry…did you say something? I can’t hear you because YOU ARE ON FUCKING FIRE!!!!

    Do you see my point? Once everyone in the world starts repeating the same funny things from the same movie, it lessens the original impact on two fronts. One…repeat viewings of the film are less amusing because you and your jerkoff friends couldn’t go 30 minutes without saying “Fat Jesus lol!” to each other. And two, the simple act of quoting the movie is soon going to become tired and passé. Congratulations. You’ve officially ruined The Hangover for yourself and everyone who has a facebook account. Are you proud of yourself? Think before you quote and use movie quotations responsibly.

    One of the many adverse affects of quoting The Hangover incessantly includes babies crying.

    Most baffling Facebook trend of 2009:

    Farmville, Mob Wars, etc…

    I’m not here to complain about people playing Farmville or Mob Wars or whatever else. I know all too well the addictive allure of computerized gaming. Play long and prosper, I say. I’m not even here to complain about how annoying the updates are, even though they are really annoying. But the constant updates do represent a complete reversal of things I previously found to be socially accepted. Walk with me now:

    My social attitude towards gaming is pretty much aligned with the military’s policy towards homosexuality. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Now, if I’m with a room with a fellow gamer, I’m more than happy to stand in the corner and quietly talk about games like the truly repressed nerd I am. I like to pretend that I’m an underground member of the French Revolution; an unsuspecting nobleman of means who secretly funds and aids the resistance movement. But around these “grown up, normal folk” who apparently went from 21 to 47 in as long of time as it took them to open the package that contained their Bachelor’s degree, I’m pretty discreet. As such, I talk about grown up things like stocks, ironing clothes, and hating the rest of my life.

    And then this Farmville thing came along and changed everything. Suddenly I’m seeing that, “Walter made FRESH GOAT’S MILK in FARMVILLE! “ and “Bobby KILLED A LOCAL CRIME BOSS in MOB WARS!!!!”. Normal, productive members of society have these things broadcast on their facebook page. When did this become acceptable? There’s a reason I never made a facebook status saying, “ERIK just beat the CPU 86-3 in MADDEN 10 for the FOURTH TIME TODAY!” or “ERIK just acquired a MAGE STAFF in FINAL FANTASY 26 and TURNED HIS OPPONENT INTO ICE before SHATTERING HIM with a POWER BOMB SPELL!”. That reason is because the part of my brain that feels shame and self-respect is still working. Another reason is that I occasionally value being recognized by the opposite sex as a viable entity.


    A computer gamer circa 2008 and prior.

    This Farmville boom represents a dynamic shift in the social acceptability of computerized games. In time, I gather it will be considered roughly on par with Dr. King and Harvey Milk’s respective civil rights movements.

    Thing from 2009 that I’d like to clarify myself on:

    Lady Gaga’s penis.

    Throughout the year, I’ve been a staunch supporter of the “Lady Gaga has a penis” movement. I’ve always found her to be a bit androgynous looking. And then I saw the upskirt video where the fleshy appendage is clearly visible and I was sold. But to make myself clear, I’m not supporting this notion from a place of contempt. I’m not saying, “Lada Gaga’s music sucks…oh and she has a penis!” or anything like that. I mean, sure I find her music to be obnoxious and boring and repetitive, but that’s not my angle. I actually HOPE she has a penis and I’m very sincere about this.

    Imagine the implications. She’s probably the most popular, mainstream pop artist of the moment. Some consider her a sex symbol, a trendsetter. She has legions of loyal fans. She’s played at clubs and bars constantly. Girls(and boys of questionable taste) ages 8 – 80 sing her songs proudly, thinking her simplistic double entendres are Oscar Wilde-esque turns of phrase. Now, in this large mass of people who love her music, persona, and so on…you can bet your ass that a sizable portion of them are stuck up, conservative minded little twats who get queasy any time someone says the word “sex”, much less the idea of a chick who’s packing “heat of the pants”(a penis). Imagine all these people blatantly deciding that they no longer like her music because she’s actually a man! Imagine all of these uncomfortable parents having to answer their 12 year old’s questions about penises and sexuality and gender. Suddenly, they’re forced to do some actual parenting instead of buying Rock Band for XBOX and praying that their children don’t end up blowing strangers on camera.

    Essentially, for me, I’d get the same sort of satisfaction watching the reaction and outcry over Lady Gaga’s alleged penis that I got from watching Obama get elected. I mean, sure, I voted for the guy, agreed with his policies, and so on. But watching a bunch of angry, inarticulate white people piss and moan about things they don’t seem to have a firm grasp on is like Christmas morning every time I happen to see it. Seeing the same sort of insanity over a hugely popular, “female” pop star’s male sex organs would all kinds of fun to watch.

    Celebrity drama that got the most unnecessary Facebook attention in 09:

    Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift

    Come back in time with me now. It’s early September. I’m finishing up some Chinese food(I’m very open minded towards the cuisines of far-off lands). I fire up the old facebook to see if the girl who complains about her life all the time is complaining about her life this particular evening…or if the guy who is usually “doin mAd work” was, in fact, “doin mAd work” once again. To my surprise, I don’t see what I normally see in the status feed.   Instead, I see status after status absolutely tearing apart Kanye West. I’m talking some really vile stuff. There were ridiculous references to lynchings, racial slurs dropped, and all kinds of insanity. So, naturally, I assumed what any logical person would assume from reading such hateful, violent ramblings: KANYE WEST HAS RAPED EVERY PERSON I AM FRIENDS WITH ON FACEBOOK AND ALL OF THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS AND PETS!!!

    So then I broke out my white hood and began sharpening a pitchfork. While doing this, I remembered that the VMAs were on and I was still holding out hope that Electric Six would get a little recognition for their “Body Shot” video(That’s a joke, because it’s MTV and why would they ever feature anything that didn’t first and foremost appeal to teenagers and retarded people???). It was then that I learned what Kanye West had done. He interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. Now, if you’re like me, you’re saying, “And then he sodomized her and devoured her heart on national television, right?!”. But no. He just interrupted her speech. That’s it. All of those violent, racist, flat out nasty things were because one filthy rich millionaire interrupted another filthy rich millionaire’s acceptance speech at an awards show that has been pretty pathetic for the past decade, at least. Class out the ass.

    RUNNER UP:

    Rich athlete cheats on spouse. Call the Pentagon. No, seriously.

    Tiger Woods vs. Bitches

    Yes, it’s true ladies and gentleman. People, even rich ones, are capable of infidelity. The reason this is so fascinating on so many different levels is because…oh, wait…this isn’t interesting at all. This couldn’t be any less interesting if it had Charlie Sheen playing a misogynistic single dad and a karaoke contest that gives the winner a record deal woven into it somehow. Stop talking about it.

    Things I hope to see less of in 2010:

    People broadcasting their boring lives.

    Now, I don’t presume to have an interesting one by any means. But I have this filter that tells me when I should seriously broadcast something about myself for the education of others or maybe I should just go for entertainment value and throw up a quote or music video or even (GASP) SOMETHING I WROTE MYSELF!!! I hope more people learn how to utilize this filter in the new year. Here’s a litmus test. If 4 of your last 7 status updates were explicitly about something you were doing, ask yourself, “Who, aside from the villain in a Lifetime stalker-drama, needs to know this?”. If you find yourself at a loss, you might want to stock up on some decent quotes or amusing Youtube videos.

    Anything related to Twilight.

    Seriously…it’s beyond even my own personal feelings on it at this point. If you’re over the age of 14 and applying positive adjectives towards the Twilight series on facebook, it’s been proven that you lessen your chances of landing a job or successfully carrying a conversation with another human being. It can possibly even hurt your credit score. Studies also show that women who are open about their love for Twilight are more likely to produce offspring who will be dumb later in life than women who are discreet about their love for the series, knowing full well how awful and beneath them it is. So for your sake and for your yet-to-be-conceived children’s sake, keep it to yourself.

    Things I hope to see more of in 2010:

    Phase 1 of American political discussion in 2009.

    Complete sentences and words

    Fragments and weird abbreviations are so 2007. The English language is falling by the wayside. Every time you write, “Hy grly wuzzz rele gud????” you contribute to it. Now, if you’re okay with future generations being reduced to shitting in their hands and throwing it at people as a means of communication, by all means, continue to RYTE LIK DIS, because that’s not too far off. If you’d like to do your little part to save the written word, try typing like an intelligent, semi-educated adult. No one will laugh or mock you, I promise.

    Smart political criticism

    It’s 2010 and I’m still hearing people talking about Obama’s birth certificate while they misuse the word “socialism”. Our country was founded on political dissent, but it helps to be at least somewhat educated about what you’re discussing. Regurgitating things you heard from Glen Beck, racist chain e-mails and bigot uncles doesn’t count.

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4 Responses to 2010: The Year I Make Contact

  1. Pingback: Daily Hilarity: Infinite Gest Looks Back At 2009 « Camels With Hammers

  2. dana ryan says:

    i’m glad you took my advice and started a blog. thank you.

  3. Hank says:

    GOLD.
    That is all.

  4. 1minionsopinion says:

    This is a good one. Thanks for posting it. I did, of course, quote it on facebook…

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