Suck my Bic

Pens have two primary functions.  The first function is to serve as an intermediary between ink and whatever the penholder choses to write on, usually paper or bathroom walls.  The second function is to not fucking explode unless you do something stupid like microwave it or leave it in your cutoff denim shorts when doing laundry.  I understand these things aren’t marvels of modern engineering and aren’t meant to withstand serious wear and tear.  But throughout my life,  pens have traditionally held up to the following secondary activities, at least for me personally:

–Light chewing
–Moderate chewing
–Hanging out in my ass pocket
–Drink stirring
–Chop-stick substitution
–Simulating blast beats
–Constant disassembling and reassembling to be used as a spitball cannon
–Sticking them out of your upper mouth region and pretending you’re a walrus
–Stabbing people
–Storing Josh Hartnett’s homemade drug that both gets you high AND kills teachers that turn into monsters


Evil.

Enter the Bic round-stic™(see above).  As of late, it seems that not only are these  pens incapable of fulfilling these, typically expected, secondary functions—but they’re also slacking off on the whole “write on shit” and “don’t explode on master” requirements.  What brought this on, you ask?  I hesitate to tell you as I think you, the reader, will insist I’m fabricating to make for a more compelling story or a more valid case against these shitty pens.  So, with full expectance of readership skepticism, here goes:

I was writing the other day(with one of these pens), used the bathroom, and somewhere between the “unzipping my pants” and “finish peeing” portions, I noticed dark spots on my- uhh- I think the technical term is “dick-gun”.  So…there you go.  Now, the spots have more or less washed off, but I don’t think you can fully appreciate the panicked train of thought I had upon initial discovery.  It went something like this:

“What the…fuck?  Wha…why does it look like Morgan Freeman’s cheeks?…Is that black or dark blue?  It’s on my inner-thigh too?  I’ve never even heard of this.  This is not even, like, a thing….Why is this happening?”


And then I look up at my inky hand and I’m like, “Oh…well that makes sense”

So no real harm done.  But these same pens have been exploding all over me for weeks now.  Has the product line in general degraded or is it just a faulty couple of boxes?  I’m not really interested in explanations at this point.  This is just poor craftsmanship only borne of pure hatred that Bic has for their customer.  So congratulations Bic.  You had me genuinely out of my mind for about 90 seconds thinking I stumbled upon a new STD that turns your dick into a tube of blueberry muffin batter.  People think they’re getting something functional, when in reality they’ll have swallowed a shitload of ink or have a penis that looks like something Cruella De Vil would try to capture by the time they’re through with a box.  You folks in the round-stic™ division have won this round.  Savor it.  Me and my snow-leopard of a sex organ have only begun to reign hell upon thee.

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