Birds – Drunk Assholes or Suicidal Prophets?

What the hell is going on with birds lately?  Can any of my non-Jersey readers confirm whether or not birds have been acting strangely by them or is it just endemic to my region?  They begin chirping, like loud, obnoxious drunks between midnight and 4AM every morning.  And I can’t drive ANYWHERE without one of these assholes diving down in front of my truck at the last possible minute.  So I, lover of animals, half shit my pants only to see this asshole ascend on up into a tree, completely unharmed- where he giggles with his friends.  Both of these phenomena have risen in frequency just this year, as this scientific chart will show you:

Are they just free-loading pleasure seekers?  The drunk, reckless behavior would indicate yes.  Are they possessed by the spirits of John Berryman, Ernest Hemingway, and John Kennedy O’Toole?  They say birds often foresee danger.  If they fly en masse away from a certain area, outside of their yearly migration cycle, it means a storm is coming.  But they’re not flying away from anywhere.  They’re getting drunk, ranting at the wee hours and trying to kill themselves.  What have they seen that has driven them to such depths?  I’m no longer annoyed with these creatures.  I’m genuinely concerned with whatever information they stumbled across as it surely pertains to the threatened continuity of the human race.

Talk to me, birds.  Tell me what you have seen.  I am listening.

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3 Responses to Birds – Drunk Assholes or Suicidal Prophets?

  1. Those blankety-blank birds woke me up one morning at 4:43. I turned around and posted about it on Facebook, and I wasn’t alone. It seems the whole neighborhood (and by that I mean everyone within 25 miles, a radius within which the human population is about 17 million) woke up within 10 minutes of me because of those birds. Fortunately, I only had to deal with one morning that reminded me of a Hitchcock movie. Since then, they’ve gone back to normal: the stupid pigeons in Hoboken, the turkey that’s been hanging out on Pierrepont Avenue in Rutherford, etc. But one morning, just that one morning, all I wanted to do was strangle ’em all. (Good thing I didn’t act on that impulse, as I would have had to take another shower.)

  2. i laughed at this post, this is really funny. the graph is what really got me

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