What the hell is going on with birds lately? Can any of my non-Jersey readers confirm whether or not birds have been acting strangely by them or is it just endemic to my region? They begin chirping, like loud, obnoxious drunks between midnight and 4AM every morning. And I can’t drive ANYWHERE without one of these assholes diving down in front of my truck at the last possible minute. So I, lover of animals, half shit my pants only to see this asshole ascend on up into a tree, completely unharmed- where he giggles with his friends. Both of these phenomena have risen in frequency just this year, as this scientific chart will show you:
Are they just free-loading pleasure seekers? The drunk, reckless behavior would indicate yes. Are they possessed by the spirits of John Berryman, Ernest Hemingway, and John Kennedy O’Toole? They say birds often foresee danger. If they fly en masse away from a certain area, outside of their yearly migration cycle, it means a storm is coming. But they’re not flying away from anywhere. They’re getting drunk, ranting at the wee hours and trying to kill themselves. What have they seen that has driven them to such depths? I’m no longer annoyed with these creatures. I’m genuinely concerned with whatever information they stumbled across as it surely pertains to the threatened continuity of the human race.
Talk to me, birds. Tell me what you have seen. I am listening.