VICARIOUS FILM REVIEW: BLACK SWAN

On 12/22/2010, I sat down in the 2:20 showing of Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan.   In the theater(Kerasotes Secaucus) were two men in their early/mid 30s.  They laughed like hyenas every time something remotely sexual occurred on screen.  This is probably the review one of them would write:

[fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap]

[Warning:  Light spoilers]

Rocco wanted to go see The Black Swans because he said Natalie Portmin and Mandy Kunis have buttsex or something in it and I like Natalie Portmen and Miley Kunis and buttsex so I went and it wasn’t until after we were in the theater that I realized Rocco didn’t actually invite me and I thought that maybe he planned on tugging one out in the theater and that was unpleasant to think about so instead I thought about how much I hate books.  I did not like this movie.  In fact I asked the theater manager if I could have a refund and he said “Why?” and I said “Cause it’s not good” and he said “No.”  So I said “Whatever man.” and stormed outside and I tried to slam the door but it was one of those really heavy weighted doors that closes slowly on its own and it didn’t slam.

There is no buttsex in this movie.  If you’ve been led to the theater under false pretense with promises of buttsex, you’ll be sorely disappointed.  Let this paragraph stand as a clear warning to those people:  No buttsex.

Not only is there no buttsex, but the movie itself teases you with things it doesn’t deliver.  There’s all that shit with Natalie Portmund turning into a swan which reminded me of The Fly only with someone I’d fap to instead of Jeff Goldbaum.  We get little teases thrown at us that she’s turning into something not-human but it all ends up being a bunch of metaphormical crap.  And what’s with the director guy feeling up Natalie Portman and then not doing sex with her?  Could he not get it up!?  Maybe he hadn’t done it in a long time and knew he would not last long so he just went to the bathroom and fapped one out(hey I’ve done it!lol).  I said to Rocco “I’d stick my ship-dick in Natalie’s Port, Man!  Get it?”.  He did get it and he laughed out loud and said, “I’d give her three chances to get off:  1…2….3“ except as he counted he thrust his fist as if the “chances” were each individual hump thrust.  We laughed a lot.  The two people a few seats away and a row back kept looking at us like we were damaged children but I wanted to tell them that we weren’t and we just thought it was all very funny.

The movie was mostly just weird.  It starts out okay enough with chicks trying to get the big ballet part but then there’s all this creepy transformation stuff and almost-sex stuff teasing me so that I said the name of the movie should be “Boner Fuel 6000“.  I laughed at the funny parts like when people said the word “fuck” or “shit” or when someone seemed in pain or unhappy and they expressed how pained and unhappy they were.  That’s funny, right?  The two people from earlier kept looking at us like people in pain is not funny.  I feel like any time something happens in a movie or TV show, I should either have a boner or be laughing and people in pain doesn’t really give me a boner but it makes me laugh and these are my only two active responses to any and all entertainment and “art”.

Anyway, I didn’t get this movie and it was stupid.  It could have been okay if it was normal but instead it tries to be all deep and weird like it’s made for people who read books when they don’t have to.  As I said before, there is no buttsex in this movie.  There’s maybe a couple fingerings but come on what am I, 14?  I’m hungry bye.

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2 Responses to VICARIOUS FILM REVIEW: BLACK SWAN

  1. IHateStupidPeople says:

    This is what I would say to that guy who wrote that:
    The reason why you and your stupid fuckin’ friend don’t understand the movie “Black Swan” is because your IQ isn’t high enough to understand it. BLACK SWAN IS NOT A FUCKING PORNO, YOU GOD DAMN, STUPID FUCKING CUNT FUCK!!!!!! Black Swan is a sophisticated, thought provoking, deep erotic thriller that asks the viewer to THINK, something that you and your butt buddy friend wouldn’t know anything about. Your pure fucking stupidity can be summed up in the quote “I feel like any time something happens in a movie or TV show, I should either have a boner or be laughing”…..sigh…It’s no fucking wonder why the terrorists hate Americans…So, in your opinion, something should either be sexy or funny, and if it isn’t, you think it’s “stupid”. NO, ASSHOLE! BLACK SWAN IS NOT STUPID. YOU’RE STUPID BECAUSE YOU DON’T GET IT, SO YOU TAKE OUT YOUR FRUSTRATION ABOUT YOUR OWN STUPIDITY TO FAIL TO GET BLACK SWAN, BY HATING IT…. fucktard, Go fucking kill yourself.

  2. Erik says:

    I like the enthusiasm.

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